Hello. So Lit ended today and now I'm just left with Chem mcq, which is like exactly a week from now. It's real, the end of my formal education is almost here. When it ends for real next tuesday, where do I go with my life, what do I do with my life? All my life, I've only known school and the education system that I was made to go through. Now I actually have choices to make, about the life and the future that I wanna lead. And it scares the shit out of me, making choices.

Sometimes, I wonder if teachers end up being teachers cos schools are the only places they've ever known their whole lives. The safety of a school environment, the strict educational institution, the hierarchies in a school - it's safe, maybe stifling, but safe. Away from the fluctuations of the real world out there, away from the rapid modernisation that goes on in the society outside of the comfortable notions of a school. The outside world is real, and it's scary.

Today I realised that I actually have many dreams that I wanna fulfil. They're all unpragmatic, unrealistic even. But they're my dreams nonetheless. Aside from all the Anthro/Archaelogy/History, museum dreams I've held for the past few months, today I remembered all the dreams I had about bringing music into Singapore. Remember all my dreams I had of being a concert planner? I've had these dreams since sec 4 eh. I remember how we had to fill up our top 3 career choices in sec 4 for the career fair, and mine were: 1) Anthropologist, 2) Archaeologist and 3) Concert planner. I've held these dreams since forever, why? Does it show my unchanging nature, my groundedness to who I am and what I like? Or does it reinforce my lack of practicality, one which will stick to me through my life and keep me as a stupid unpragmatic overly-idealistic dreamer who will never achieve much?

Anyway, today I realised my destiny! Which is to introduce music to people. It's why I keep introducing my music to friends/my sister, why I always wanted to become a concert planner to bring down bands I love to Singapore - to share my music with people. So today, I came up with a new dream, a thought I've entertained in my mind for a while but never really announced: to open up a music-cum-book-cum-indie-cafe-type-store. Remember in sec 4, when I had dreams to work in Heeren HMV and Borders after A's? Now both are closed down before my A's even end. I always had dreams of working in bookstores and music stores, but Singapore lacks in music stores and bookstores so badly. So why not open my own music+book store (the indie cafe bit doesn't really matter to me)! A place where I can share my passion and love with others, share my music with others! But of course this was never a realistic dream right, with my lack of business sense or common sense. But today! I discovered that Victoria had this dream too! Why we never shared this common dream of ours, I don't know. But we shared this today and it gives me hope! That we could actually do this together hahahahahahaha. So I won't be alone in my attempts at a business venture. But it feels so unreal, planning for my future. And all my other concert-planning, museum-working, music/culture/history-researching, exotic-land-excavating dreams, how do I combine them all? Ironically, it sucks having to plan your own future and decide your own life. I'm so free to do what I want that I actually feel burdened with the choices I hafta make.

I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys R' Us kid.

Anyway, today, I acted as though my A's are over, and also splurged on music and books (typical geeky me hee hee). Bon Iver (which I've been wanting to get for months but which hmv never stocked up on til' now!), Snow Patrol, Love Actually, High Fidelity. So I now have new music to listen to, new books to read, new movies to watch, new dreams to dream. I'm a happy little indie geeky dreamer girl tonight.

11:53 PM;